Tuesday, April 17, 2007

If you are a friend of the Evangenitals on Myspace and you don't actually know me or the Evangenitals in what we skin-bound humans call "real life", you may be wondering why in the hell I periodically send you invites to Evangenitals' shows & events... especially since you never respond, live in a foreign or faraway land, and perhaps have no idea how we became friends in the first place.

(Please note: I always try to use the "search by location" feature of the invites first and foremost, which unfortunately never works... possibly because I have a Mac, possibly because the "search by location" feature on Myspace blows ass chunks, and possibly because no one I know enters their friggin' zip code or correct city.)

Once that option is exhausted, I have a very simple set of guidelines that I follow when deciding (without knowledge of where in the world anyone is) whom to send invites to. So, if you have received an invite from the Evangenitals, it is likely that you fall into one of these categories:

1. You look lonely. You look like you could use a friend, or perhaps just some sunlight. At a minimum, it appears to me that some time away from the computer would do you good.

2. You look awesome. There is something inherently RAD about your profile picture. You look like a giver; like someone who would contribute to a good time. Or, you may just have incredibly large jugs, which is a good feature to have at shows as well. Come on down.

3. You look like Patrick Swayze. If you are using Patrick Swayze as your profile picture, you are invited. Hell, if you're out there sporting anyone from the Outsiders, at any phase of their careers, YOU ARE GETTING INVITED!

4. You are a drunken mess. We are a band, people, and bands often play in bars. Bar bands need insane, sloppy, excessive drinkers to come to their shows and get good and stinking drunk and spend their rent money on booze to keep bar owners happy and booking good 'ol fashioned bar bands. So, if you have a profile picture that features you drunk out of your mind, passed out with and bunch of bottles, doing a beer bong, smoking a bong, vomiting, or holding a giant pint and/or a YARD of ale, you can bet your poisoned liver that YOU ARE INVITED!

5. Your name is Dave or David. I can't quite explain this one, but as a general rule I invite every goddamn "Dave" and "David" to every goddamn thing we do. It works for me.

6. YOU send ME a crapload of invites. You probably send me millions of bulletins as well, and you're always trying to post GIANT comments with your ENTIRE FUCKING TOUR plotted out on MY page, so I figure, a little e-vite from me shouldn't ruffle your feathers too much.

In the end, let it be known that I painstakingly pick and choose every single profile that I select and add, ONE BY ONE, to our evite list and send out our little plea for SOME sort of RESPONSE to the fact that WE EXIST.

If you don't know, now you know.